SPENDING QUALITY TIME WITH OUR TEENAGERS

As our kids are pulling away and spending less time with us, it is more important than ever to find ways to connect that really count.  Three conditions make these especially difficult to achieve:

Mr. Hall decided to try spending quality time with his son Shaun.  Mr. Hall knew Shaun was experimenting with drugs and alcohol and had tried the control route.  They had gone through grounding, taking his car away, "how could you do such a thing?" lectures, "you'll ruin your life forever" fear trips, and "what have we done wrong?" guilt trips.  Shaun got more and more defiant and rebellious.  He did not stop experimenting with drugs and alcohol, and the father/son relationship had deteriorated badly.

Mr. Hall took off from work one day, showed up at Shaun's school during his lunch period and got permission to take Shaun to lunch.  Mr. Hall had decided that his whole purpose was just to be with Shaun and enjoy his company.  Shaun asked belligerently, "What are you doing here?"  Dad told Shaun, "I just wanted to have lunch with you."  Dad focused on his purpose and avoided "third degree" questions.  He did not even ask Shaun, "How is your day?"  Shaun was completely surprised and very suspicious.  All during lunch, he kept waiting for the criticism and lectures to start.  The entire lunch was spent in silence.  Dad took Shaun back to school and said, "Thanks for having lunch with me, Shaun.  I really enjoyed being with you."

Mr. Hall continued showing up at Shaun's school for lunch every Wednesday.  It took three weeks for Shaun to drop his suspicions.  Then he started telling his dad small things about his day.  Shaun started asking questions about work and college.  Dad was careful to answer the questions without letting lectures slip in.

Meanwhile, Dad had stopped trying to control Shaun through punishment and lectures.  He noticed Shaun started showing up for dinner more often, and brought his friends by to sit and watch television a couple of times.

Three months into this routine, Mr. Hall got stuck in a meeting that lasted through the lunch period.  That night Shaun said, "What happened to you today, Dad?  I was expecting you for lunch."

Mr. Hall apologized.  "I'm sorry, son.  I didn't know you were expecting me.  I guess the surprise factor has been eliminated and a routine established.  I would love to continue the routine, how about you?"  Nonchalantly, Shaun said, "Sure."  Dad said, "I'll be sure to leave a message if I ever get tied up again."

Mr. Hall felt pleased and gratified about the effectiveness of spending quality time with his son.  He didn't know if it had made any difference in his son's experimentation with drugs and alcohol, but neither had all his control efforts.  The damaged relationship was being repaired, and Mr. Hall was grateful that the importance of this had gotten through his thick skull.

He felt satisfied that he was providing good memories for his son, and helping Shaun know from experience that his dad loved him unconditionally.  Mr. Hall followed several principles that contributed to the success of spending quality time that counts with teenagers.  Following is a tip that will increase your chances of making the time you spend with your teenager be quality time.

JUST HANG OUT

We were impressed with Mr. Hall's commitment to spend time that counts with his son.  He demonstrated true dedication by being willing to take time off from work and make his son a priority.  Even though it may seem that they do not notice or care overtly, they notice and care at a feeling level if you really are available.  We create a different energy when we are there but preoccupied with other concerns or too busy to be bothered.

Kids can tell when you expect something from them.  Expectations create resistance.  We have heard many parents complain, "Well, I'm available and my teenager still won't talk to me."  "Hang out" means being available to listen if they want to talk.  It means allowing your teenager to experience you simply being around them.  It means being a "closet" listener -- which means not making it obvious you are listening.  It means listening to their being rather than focusing on words.

We suggest you make it a priority to spend at least five minutes a day "just hanging out" in the presence of your teenager.

The preceding article was an excerpt from the book, I'm On Your Side: Resolving Conflict With Your Teenage Son or Daughter, by Jane Nelson and Lynn Lott.  

For additional information about parenting, please contact the Civilian Employee Assistance Program Counseling and Referral Service (CEAP C/RS), located in Bldg 200, Suite 1, or call (202) 433-0087 or outside the local dialing area you may use 1-(800) 995-9791.

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