ROMANCE AND THE TROUBADOUR
Historians believe that
the root of our modern notion of romance dates back to the age of the Troubadour.
These gallant men, usually knights of the 11th through 13th centuries, were
the first who said, "What has been made known to the eyes, has also been
made welcomed to the heart." Troubadours were poet-musicians chiefly in
the south of France and northern Italy whose major theme was courtly love.
Prior
to this period, relationships were viewed much differently. There are only a
few accounts of outstanding romantic courtship in stories of Africa, the Mediterranean,
Middle East and Asia which prior date the Middle Ages. The Troubadour is the
guy who brought swooning romance out into the forefront. Although the Troubadour
was often accused of "worshiping" another human being, the popularization
of the poems and songs of "special-ness" made everyday, common citizens
want the same experiences.
Being close in "heart" to our significant others is still a goal of most modern couples. Today, we call this closeness "intimacy." However, people today have pressures and expectations placed on relationships -- expectations with which the Troubadour never had to contend.
Family and marriage counselors agree that the "romance" of any relationship, is the easy part -- fun, exhilarating and joyful. People have been known to do rather extravagant and even "crazy" things while caught up in the excitement of new romance. It is still common to put the person we are attracted to on a pedestal. In fact, the lyrics of a popular love song today say, "How do I live without you? How will I survive?" Dr. Sigmund Freud, the pioneer of psychoanalysis said that romantic love is a temporary state of insanity.
A long-lasting and mutually fulfilling relationship takes a lot of nurturing. Trust is an element of relationships, which must be nurtured and maintained. This trust fosters intimacy, as we moderns defined in our modern terms.
Intimacy is a key part in any mutually fulfilling, satisfying relationship. Sometimes we are afraid of intimacy because we fear being vulnerable to pain. There is risk involved in any intimate relationship, but we need to feel secure enough in ourselves to handle a few setbacks.
Feeling complete before entering into a relationship is ideal. But many people become involved with another, thinking and hoping that the relationship will be the answer to their personal feeling of wholeness. These individuals are usually very disappointed. Some end up blaming themselves or the other person for the failure. It is unhealthy to seek the fulfillment of all one's needs in another person.
This is where the Troubadour has failed us. The level of infatuation, obsession and or "worship" that he expressed to his fair maiden, was frequently accompanied by pleas to her saying, "If you turn me away, I shall die." This theme is being carried out in romance culture into the next millennia and is not healthy. Depending on a mate all of the time prevents people from being able to see that there are two unique, separate people involved. Being able to see the other person objectively is impossible for mutually dependent relationships, where two people can see themselves only as each is reflected by the other. Gaining self-worth from the approval of someone else is dangerous. Recognizing one's individuality and value will lead to mutual respect and a loving relationship.
There are some very nice traditions and lessons the Troubadour has left in his legacy of love. Consider sending poems or songs to your special friends and loved one's as Valentine's Day messages. Think about writing or researching a poem that affirms self-love or self-esteem. Or make a pledge to yourself to be more self-loving and self-caring.
If you are interested in more information or to schedule a free confidential appointment with a professional counselor call the Civilian Employee Assistance Program Counseling and Referral Service (CEAP C/RS) at the following number (202) 433-0087 or 1-800-995-9791 or stop by, we are located in Bldg 200, Suite 1.